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The Day The Infomercial Died

Billy Mays is dead.  What a sad day in the infomercial world.  What a sad day for amateur inventors everywhere.  What a happy day for people with Ligyrophobia.

In memory of Billy Mays, I am embedding all his best commercials.  You may have seen some of them, or all of them, hell you may have even bought some of this crap awesome stuff.  But you can take 10 minutes out of your day to remember the man who made his living yelling at you.  So in the spirit of Billy Mays, I have made this entire post in the color he made famous, blue, and bolded for emphasis.  Enjoy it while you can, cause this offer won’t last forever.


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Billy Mays vs. Chuck Norris

Billy Mays Facts? Really? Are you serious? What even gave you the idea that one ounce of Billy Mays’ OxiClean body is a match for the equally bearded, but much more awesome Chuck Norris?


For starters, the picture I found of Chuck is much larger then Billy Mays, that alone means Chuck is a bigger bad ass.  Second, Billy is smiling, and giving a thumbs up in his photo.  He doesn’t look menacing at all does he?  Chuck on the other hand is just staring at you, and you know that if you so much as blink funny, he will round house kick you though your computer screen.

Next up on the pictures are the similarities, both of these people are wearing beards, and a shirt that has the top two buttons open.

Billy’s beard reminds me of Al Borland, from Home Improvement, not someone who inspires fear in the hearts of anyone.  His shirt is unbuttoned at the top, but he has a plain white undershirt on beneath it.  LAME.  Where’s your mainlines?

Chuck on the other hand, his photo screams at you for respect.  and if you don’t give it to him, he will know it.  His beard is the perfect balance of well trimmed, and grown in, it’s not a full beard, but it means business.  His shirt is open to reveal his mainly chest.  And it may sound weird of me to say Chuck Norris has a mainly chest, but you simply cannot describe it any other way, or else you will die, period.

Moving on from the two pictures I found of these two people, let’s get to the meat of the matter: the facts.

Billy Mays has 20 facts, one or two of which will trick your lips into forming a smile.

Chuck Norris has 8 pages of facts, and each page has over 20 facts on it, making him at least 8 times more factual then Mr. Mays.

It’s easy to come up with more facts for Chuck Norris because he is the inventor of everything, and everything you say about him is a true, verifiable fact, even things that contridict themselves, and that’s just the way Chuck rolls.

In the end I think that, I know that, Chuck Norris would win.  Because he would just round house kick some OxiClean into Billy Mays and be done with it.  Billy Mays vs. Vince Offer, now, that’s a fair fight, let’s see it internet, I’m waiting…