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The best E-mails ever

I love this guy.  He’s got my sense of humor, and it’s all unsuspecting.  Sure I would hate being on the receiving end of some of his emails, but damn, are they funny.  He reminds me of David and his spider.

From Part out your Honda:

You could sell it as a Honda Accord “Jeep Wrangler” addition, built for offroading without the doors, just like a Jeep. Instead of saying the alternator was removed, say the car was modified to help the environment.

Whenever he comes across a woman that he’s not expecting he goes crazy.  It’s awesome, mostly it resorts to cheap insults, and to tell them to get back in the kitchen.

Or how about the shenanigans he goes through to sell his own TV?

This guy is just taking advantage of ripe for the situation craigslist ads, not unlike HollaDaddy, who takes advantage of Myspace profiles.  It’s a shame that he has no RSS feed, because it would look perfect next to HollaDaddy in my Google Reader, perfect I say.

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The Moon Nazis are Coming

Iron Sky, the independent film about Nazis that escape to the Moon has a trailer:

No acting yet, and not much else to see about the film.  But so far so good.  Hopefully it will be as awesome as I am hoping it to be.

I made a demand that it be shown in my area, you should too.  (Demand it in my area, and yours)

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Exciting Employment Opportunities!

Last night I got this email from Lisa, a recruiter working for AFLAC, a fortune 500 Health Insurance Company.  Here is is, exactly as she “wrote” it:


My name is Lisa XxxXxxx and I’m a recruiter working for AFLAC, a fortune 500 Health Insurance Company.  My regional manager, Jason XXXXXXX saw your resume online and asked me
to contact you to see if you’re currently still looking for employment and to see if you would be interested in setting up an interview for Friday of this week or Wednesday of next week.

We have a limited number of positions available at the newly opened Regional Office in Elmsford, NY with great opportunities for growth.  The Benefits Consultant position is a
sales position that is commission based.

If you have any questions or would simply like to schedule an interview, please e-mail me.  If I don’t hear from you, I will follow-up early next week.

Thanks in advance!

Lisa Xxx Xxxx

I added the X’s in her last name so just in case this person really exists.  And, that space between the two sets of X’s in the signature is there in her signature too.  Also, the weird, not well formattedness of the email is also the same as what I received.

Here is the response I sent to her:

Hello Lisa,
I don’t know who you are, or where your manager found my resume, but one of you clearly must not know how to read.

The Benefits Consultant position is a sales position that is commission based.

Seeing as how I don’t have any experience in Sales at all, and no where on my resume do I say I want to go into Sales, I find this to be an excellent opportunity to allow me to further my people skills, as they are quite lacking.  The last phone call I got I was forced to threaten the people on the other end with an unlimited supply of cardboard cutout donuts of which they would have to pay for before they would hang up on me.  I just don’t know how to end conversations, so it’s a good thing that I have unlimited minutes on my cell phone plan.

I actually had a conversation once with my cousin that lasted 13 hours.  See kept me sane as I drove cross country trying to escape pursuit from covert government time agents from the U.S.S.R.  Funny story about that actually, about 5 years ago I stumbled upon a rift in the space time continuum that allowed me to travel through time at my own will.  Now some people would use this for their own means, me I used it to fuck with the past of various timelines.  I wont take credit for anything (I’m too modest for that) but in some timelines, World War 3 did indeed happen, and it was impressive.

After awhile though it got boring, and eventually I got myself into some trouble, I got sloppy and kept going to the same places, at the same time, and it wasn’t long before people caught on, and discovered my secret.

These particular agents, from The Eternal Time Resistance Inforcement Squad, or TETRIS, were from the U.S.S.R. and they wanted my knowledge.  What they wanted to do with it is anyone’s guess, but luckily I got away.  My cousin thought the story was pretty crazy and out there and suggested I go find myself help.  I didn’t listen to her, I figured keeping her awake for 15 hours straight as I drove from New Hampshire to Alabama was just making her all crazy in the head…

Oops there I go again, just keep taking, it’s really a wonder how I am able to get anything done in life.  So I think this sales Job will be a real improvement for me, or at the very least allow me to hone my skills of discovering future TETRIS agents, and dealing with them in an appropriate manor.


My name is Lisa XxxXxxx…..My regional manager, Jason XXXXXXX, saw your resume online and asked me to contact you

It’s very nice of you to introduce yourself to me Lisa, and even say the full name of your manager.  But you don’t seem to know who you’re talking to.  My name is clearly written on my resume.  Hell, it’s even in the email address you used to send this cookie cutter email to.  But again, neither of you must have read my resume, because you couldn’t even go so far as to personalize this email.  You didn’t say Hello Stephen, or Hello Sir, or Hello lord xeon, past, present and future ruler of the R.R., and current crusader against the evil agents of TETRIS.

Did you know that the only effective way to eliminate an agent of TETRIS is to get 10 or more of them together and line then up in a row, then you take a Russian made AK-47 assault rifle, or a Luger, as those are the only two guns capable of shooting through them cleanly.  Once they are shot they all go through a seizure like effect, and then just disappear.  I’m not quite sure where they go, probably another universe, or timeline somewhere to get retrained, because no matter how many I eliminate, more just keep coming.  Hopefully this sales Job will allow me to find others who think like me.

Unfortunately, at this time I am going to have to decline you’re offer for employment at AFLAC, a fortune 500 Health Insurance Company.  I’m just swamped with TETRIS.  This game of cat and mouse can go on forever.  I seem to have the upper hand right now though, because I recently caught 80 of them over this past weekend, so I may have some free time coming up, but it wont be for long, I need to use this time to set up traps, maybe even travel a few times to these other timelines and go on the offensive-defensive-alternative music rampage.

I wish you as much luck in your endeavors, as you wish me in mine,

Past, Present, Future  & only leader of the R.R.
Discoverer of the Abandoned Time Displacement Theory
Winner of 3 Westmin Agreement Prizes, and 2 Ardsley Cannon Medals
Inventor of the Wheel, Fire, & breathing

P.S. in case you didn’t get the joke:

I have no interest in a Sales position, I suggest you take the time to read the next resume over before you send out emails.  At the very least you would be able to know the name of the person you are soliciting.

I wonder what she will think of it.

Also, in case you’re wondering what is on my resume, why don’t you take a look.

Anyway, thought I’d share that little gem with you.  I find it to be a complete work of art.

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Nazis vs. Facebook

Well, not really, but that title sounded better then the others I was thinking.

So, this morning I got an email from the Iron Sky people, (if you remember, it’s this awesome movie set in an alternate time-line where the Nazis flee to the moon to plan their 4th Reich, and in 2018, they make it happen) saying how Facebook took down their fan page.  They are upset (rightly so).  But they also seem misinformed.

For starters, Facebook is a private company.  And they have a lengthy Terms of Service, that you read, and agree to when you sign up.

Part 5.1, and 5.2 covers what went on here:

  1. You will not post content or take any action on Facebook that infringes or violates someone else’s rights or otherwise violates the law.
  2. We can remove any content or information you post on Facebook if we believe that it violates this Statement.

Pay special attention to 5.2.  Basically it’s up to them to say, “Yea I don’t like this, let’s take it down.”  What I envision went down is this:  the page was marked for review as a potential Hate Crime, Facebook employees being taxed for time, just skimmed it over, saw it mentioned Nazis, and a future invasion by them, and they basically though, ok, this is some strange Neo-Nazi site, let’s shut it down.  And that was the end of that.

In the email, they claim that:

Facebook gave no advance warning about closing down the fan page of this movie project and neither does it offer any kind of contact information to complain about the decision.

As far as I can tell, there’s nothing in the ToS requiring Facebook to give advance warning that they’re about to remove your stuff.  There is however a place to go to make an appeal, that’s part 5.4:

If we remove your content for infringing someone else’s copyright, and you believe we removed it by mistake, we will provide you with an opportunity to appeal.

So what it basically comes down to is this.

You own the content you post to your Facebook account, but Facebook owns the servers.  And they have total say over what gets posted there, and what doesn’t.  And they decide what to do with it.  You can ask nicely to get your stuff back up, or you can kick and scream.  Neither will get your stuff up though because you are free to go somewhere else.

Facebook doesn’t charge you to post things, and aside from a name, and email address, doesn’t have any other way to force you to do something.  From a legal standpoint, they are just covering their asses by removing things that even hint at copyright infringement, illegal things, or hate crime, because of all the negative press that will happen if something does come out of it.  It may seem unfair, but you have to remember, for companies, all they care about is the bottom line.  If they think that your page may violate a law, or include something of questionable legality, they will remove it to save themselves, and that is their right.

Many people don’t seem to grasp that concept.  And that seems like what happened to the Iron Sky people, but at least this woke them up to it anyway:

“There are many businesses that consider their Facebook presence to be an important part of their marketing. The fact that Facebook can just take down the page of a legitimate business without any warning or any means of contacting them is something most companies don’t realize.”

Hopefully more people will come to realize this, and stop relying on Facebook, and Twitter so heavily.  If anything I would use Stumble Upon.  Because unlike Facebook, and Twitter, SU drives traffic directly to your site, and on your site you can post whatever the fuck you want.  I hope that bold hammered it home for you.

Anyway, I’d also like you to know that I’ll never censor your comments, or delete them because you call me an idiot, I’ll post them true.  The only things that don’t get through are obvious spam, links to illegal/hate sites, and porn comments.

And, just so you can be remembered, here is the trailer for this awesome movie:

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18 Stumbles to go

Stumbles is Legal baby!!!!!1111!!!

I swear, there will be no more unneeded ! points mixed in with number 1s.  I promise.  (Remember, ever promise on the internet is a lie).  Also, today is national I don’t care day. Which I just made up, which also means I can say whatever I want about it, and I don’t care.  Ok, now I’m just rambling, and it’s time to get to the stumbles….

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Deadly Pens

Like the Ice bullet ice cube tray, here comes another gun inspired toy, this one for the office, the pen with real machine gun sounds!  Honestly, I think it’s a bit overkill, I mean, I don’t think I’d be able to write with it, it looks too top heavy and unbalanced.

I wonder if it writes in red ink.  This way you could say, this pen writes with the blood of the people you’ve killed with it.  Oh, and it should be a clicky pen, but instead of a clicking it, you have to pull the trigger to get it to write.  Yea, I would use it then.

{buy one | thanks marcus}

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Would you accept this spider as payment?

Do you think that drawing is worth $233.95?  It’s creator did.  But the power company, which was asking for the money did not.

You’ve seen that before, everyone has, it’s just the latest thing to sweep the web (actually, it happened almost a year ago, but whatever).  What you may not know is that that wasn’t the only such transaction that took place.  No, I recently stumbled to this forum post, which led me to his website, which is awesome, I haven’t laughed so much so hard in so long.

His gym membership was going to expire, and he got some emails about renewing it.  There’s no drawings involved, but there are steroids, here’s a clip:

I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.

And that’s the 3rd or 4th email he sent them.

He also has some other drawings for sale:

You can buy this one of a kind drawing called Whale Looking For Mate for only $2,800.

He then tries to go on a test drive of a motorcycle, without a license.  This conversation is actually pretty civil, with the receiving end, a Mr. Peter taking everything in stride.

You could find out his views on the internet and it’s many faces.

Or the conversation that started with starving children, and just went everywhere else.

I really like the party he gets himself invited to.

Read them all, they’re all good, some other gems I left out because I didn’t want to just go down the side bar and list them all.

His best quality is being able to go off on tangents that make perfect sense in regards to the conversation going on.  I feel like me and him could get along perfectly, and end up talking about the color of the car that my uncle and I passed one day when we were going to the movies, and how it really didn’t fit the person driving it.  I mean, what kind of guy drives a lime green Jeep with a soft top?  It just doesn’t make sense.  I remember the day because me and my uncle were going to see The 6th Day at 10 am, which is the best time to see movies, as there’s no one in the theater, and you can easily go see 3 or four in a day before you get tired of movie popcorn as your only source of food.

Yea, me and him would get along well.

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Gmail, faster then time

I noticed that last night in Gmail.  I had my inbox open already, and that popped in, so i went to read it and usually it says 5 minutes ago, 2 days ago, whatever.  It said -1 minutes ago.  Interesting that gmail can send your mail into the past with you getting it before it should arrive.  Or something, my head hurst thinking about it.

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Read the Rainbow

Look at that mess of books, can’t find anything, can’t read anything, can’t do anything without making a bigger mess.  Faithful reader Michael Chislett decided he was gonna fix it.  Not like an ordinary library mind you, a rainbow library!  It’s hard (impossible) to see in the above photo, but there’s alot of different colored books, so, he sorted them:

Then he put them back on the shelves, and behold, a vast rainbow of color.

Sadly, this was not at Michael’s home, but a vacation home he and some friends were staying at.  So he won’t get to admire it and add to it as time goes on.  Oh well.  Good job anyway, it looks nice.

Now you should use some of these nice looking books as bookends.