Exciting Employment Opportunities!

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Last night I got this email from Lisa, a recruiter working for AFLAC, a fortune 500 Health Insurance Company.  Here is is, exactly as she “wrote” it:

Hello:

My name is Lisa XxxXxxx and I’m a recruiter working for AFLAC, a fortune 500 Health Insurance Company.  My regional manager, Jason XXXXXXX saw your resume online and asked me
to contact you to see if you’re currently still looking for employment and to see if you would be interested in setting up an interview for Friday of this week or Wednesday of next week.

We have a limited number of positions available at the newly opened Regional Office in Elmsford, NY with great opportunities for growth.  The Benefits Consultant position is a
sales position that is commission based.

If you have any questions or would simply like to schedule an interview, please e-mail me.  If I don’t hear from you, I will follow-up early next week.

Thanks in advance!

Lisa Xxx Xxxx

I added the X’s in her last name so just in case this person really exists.  And, that space between the two sets of X’s in the signature is there in her signature too.  Also, the weird, not well formattedness of the email is also the same as what I received.

Here is the response I sent to her:

Hello Lisa,
I don’t know who you are, or where your manager found my resume, but one of you clearly must not know how to read.

The Benefits Consultant position is a sales position that is commission based.

Seeing as how I don’t have any experience in Sales at all, and no where on my resume do I say I want to go into Sales, I find this to be an excellent opportunity to allow me to further my people skills, as they are quite lacking.  The last phone call I got I was forced to threaten the people on the other end with an unlimited supply of cardboard cutout donuts of which they would have to pay for before they would hang up on me.  I just don’t know how to end conversations, so it’s a good thing that I have unlimited minutes on my cell phone plan.

I actually had a conversation once with my cousin that lasted 13 hours.  See kept me sane as I drove cross country trying to escape pursuit from covert government time agents from the U.S.S.R.  Funny story about that actually, about 5 years ago I stumbled upon a rift in the space time continuum that allowed me to travel through time at my own will.  Now some people would use this for their own means, me I used it to fuck with the past of various timelines.  I wont take credit for anything (I’m too modest for that) but in some timelines, World War 3 did indeed happen, and it was impressive.

After awhile though it got boring, and eventually I got myself into some trouble, I got sloppy and kept going to the same places, at the same time, and it wasn’t long before people caught on, and discovered my secret.

These particular agents, from The Eternal Time Resistance Inforcement Squad, or TETRIS, were from the U.S.S.R. and they wanted my knowledge.  What they wanted to do with it is anyone’s guess, but luckily I got away.  My cousin thought the story was pretty crazy and out there and suggested I go find myself help.  I didn’t listen to her, I figured keeping her awake for 15 hours straight as I drove from New Hampshire to Alabama was just making her all crazy in the head…

Oops there I go again, just keep taking, it’s really a wonder how I am able to get anything done in life.  So I think this sales Job will be a real improvement for me, or at the very least allow me to hone my skills of discovering future TETRIS agents, and dealing with them in an appropriate manor.

Hello:

My name is Lisa XxxXxxx…..My regional manager, Jason XXXXXXX, saw your resume online and asked me to contact you

It’s very nice of you to introduce yourself to me Lisa, and even say the full name of your manager.  But you don’t seem to know who you’re talking to.  My name is clearly written on my resume.  Hell, it’s even in the email address you used to send this cookie cutter email to.  But again, neither of you must have read my resume, because you couldn’t even go so far as to personalize this email.  You didn’t say Hello Stephen, or Hello Sir, or Hello lord xeon, past, present and future ruler of the R.R., and current crusader against the evil agents of TETRIS.

Did you know that the only effective way to eliminate an agent of TETRIS is to get 10 or more of them together and line then up in a row, then you take a Russian made AK-47 assault rifle, or a Luger, as those are the only two guns capable of shooting through them cleanly.  Once they are shot they all go through a seizure like effect, and then just disappear.  I’m not quite sure where they go, probably another universe, or timeline somewhere to get retrained, because no matter how many I eliminate, more just keep coming.  Hopefully this sales Job will allow me to find others who think like me.

Unfortunately, at this time I am going to have to decline you’re offer for employment at AFLAC, a fortune 500 Health Insurance Company.  I’m just swamped with TETRIS.  This game of cat and mouse can go on forever.  I seem to have the upper hand right now though, because I recently caught 80 of them over this past weekend, so I may have some free time coming up, but it wont be for long, I need to use this time to set up traps, maybe even travel a few times to these other timelines and go on the offensive-defensive-alternative music rampage.

I wish you as much luck in your endeavors, as you wish me in mine,
~stephen,


Past, Present, Future  & only leader of the R.R.
Discoverer of the Abandoned Time Displacement Theory
Winner of 3 Westmin Agreement Prizes, and 2 Ardsley Cannon Medals
Inventor of the Wheel, Fire, & breathing

P.S. in case you didn’t get the joke:

I have no interest in a Sales position, I suggest you take the time to read the next resume over before you send out emails.  At the very least you would be able to know the name of the person you are soliciting.

I wonder what she will think of it.

Also, in case you’re wondering what is on my resume, why don’t you take a look.

Anyway, thought I’d share that little gem with you.  I find it to be a complete work of art.

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