Exciting Employment Opportunities!

Last night I got this email from Lisa, a recruiter working for AFLAC, a fortune 500 Health Insurance Company.  Here is is, exactly as she “wrote” it:

Hello:

My name is Lisa XxxXxxx and I’m a recruiter working for AFLAC, a fortune 500 Health Insurance Company.  My regional manager, Jason XXXXXXX saw your resume online and asked me
to contact you to see if you’re currently still looking for employment and to see if you would be interested in setting up an interview for Friday of this week or Wednesday of next week.

We have a limited number of positions available at the newly opened Regional Office in Elmsford, NY with great opportunities for growth.  The Benefits Consultant position is a
sales position that is commission based.

If you have any questions or would simply like to schedule an interview, please e-mail me.  If I don’t hear from you, I will follow-up early next week.

Thanks in advance!

Lisa Xxx Xxxx

I added the X’s in her last name so just in case this person really exists.  And, that space between the two sets of X’s in the signature is there in her signature too.  Also, the weird, not well formattedness of the email is also the same as what I received.

Here is the response I sent to her:

Hello Lisa,
I don’t know who you are, or where your manager found my resume, but one of you clearly must not know how to read.

The Benefits Consultant position is a sales position that is commission based.

Seeing as how I don’t have any experience in Sales at all, and no where on my resume do I say I want to go into Sales, I find this to be an excellent opportunity to allow me to further my people skills, as they are quite lacking.  The last phone call I got I was forced to threaten the people on the other end with an unlimited supply of cardboard cutout donuts of which they would have to pay for before they would hang up on me.  I just don’t know how to end conversations, so it’s a good thing that I have unlimited minutes on my cell phone plan.

I actually had a conversation once with my cousin that lasted 13 hours.  See kept me sane as I drove cross country trying to escape pursuit from covert government time agents from the U.S.S.R.  Funny story about that actually, about 5 years ago I stumbled upon a rift in the space time continuum that allowed me to travel through time at my own will.  Now some people would use this for their own means, me I used it to fuck with the past of various timelines.  I wont take credit for anything (I’m too modest for that) but in some timelines, World War 3 did indeed happen, and it was impressive.

After awhile though it got boring, and eventually I got myself into some trouble, I got sloppy and kept going to the same places, at the same time, and it wasn’t long before people caught on, and discovered my secret.

These particular agents, from The Eternal Time Resistance Inforcement Squad, or TETRIS, were from the U.S.S.R. and they wanted my knowledge.  What they wanted to do with it is anyone’s guess, but luckily I got away.  My cousin thought the story was pretty crazy and out there and suggested I go find myself help.  I didn’t listen to her, I figured keeping her awake for 15 hours straight as I drove from New Hampshire to Alabama was just making her all crazy in the head…

Oops there I go again, just keep taking, it’s really a wonder how I am able to get anything done in life.  So I think this sales Job will be a real improvement for me, or at the very least allow me to hone my skills of discovering future TETRIS agents, and dealing with them in an appropriate manor.

Hello:

My name is Lisa XxxXxxx…..My regional manager, Jason XXXXXXX, saw your resume online and asked me to contact you

It’s very nice of you to introduce yourself to me Lisa, and even say the full name of your manager.  But you don’t seem to know who you’re talking to.  My name is clearly written on my resume.  Hell, it’s even in the email address you used to send this cookie cutter email to.  But again, neither of you must have read my resume, because you couldn’t even go so far as to personalize this email.  You didn’t say Hello Stephen, or Hello Sir, or Hello lord xeon, past, present and future ruler of the R.R., and current crusader against the evil agents of TETRIS.

Did you know that the only effective way to eliminate an agent of TETRIS is to get 10 or more of them together and line then up in a row, then you take a Russian made AK-47 assault rifle, or a Luger, as those are the only two guns capable of shooting through them cleanly.  Once they are shot they all go through a seizure like effect, and then just disappear.  I’m not quite sure where they go, probably another universe, or timeline somewhere to get retrained, because no matter how many I eliminate, more just keep coming.  Hopefully this sales Job will allow me to find others who think like me.

Unfortunately, at this time I am going to have to decline you’re offer for employment at AFLAC, a fortune 500 Health Insurance Company.  I’m just swamped with TETRIS.  This game of cat and mouse can go on forever.  I seem to have the upper hand right now though, because I recently caught 80 of them over this past weekend, so I may have some free time coming up, but it wont be for long, I need to use this time to set up traps, maybe even travel a few times to these other timelines and go on the offensive-defensive-alternative music rampage.

I wish you as much luck in your endeavors, as you wish me in mine,
~stephen,


Past, Present, Future  & only leader of the R.R.
Discoverer of the Abandoned Time Displacement Theory
Winner of 3 Westmin Agreement Prizes, and 2 Ardsley Cannon Medals
Inventor of the Wheel, Fire, & breathing

P.S. in case you didn’t get the joke:

I have no interest in a Sales position, I suggest you take the time to read the next resume over before you send out emails.  At the very least you would be able to know the name of the person you are soliciting.

I wonder what she will think of it.

Also, in case you’re wondering what is on my resume, why don’t you take a look.

Anyway, thought I’d share that little gem with you.  I find it to be a complete work of art.

Stumbles I lost count

Another heaping helping of wrongness courtesy of everyone’s favorite add on, Stumble Upon.  We got memes, gifs, Nazis, and more, all for your viewing pleasure, all right after the click.  Play a game of scrabble, hop on a plane to Australia, and remember, you are getting all of this information through the internet, what is yours called?

Continue reading “Stumbles I lost count”

Saturn V launch at 500fps

Apollo 11 Saturn V Launch (HD) Camera E-8 from Mark Gray on Vimeo.

The Saturn V that launched man into space, and onto the Moon was an impressive rocket, the largest, most powerful vehicle man has produced.  Above is a video of the Apollo 11 launch.  It was recorded at 500 frames per second, and is 8 minutes long, covering about 30 seconds in real time.  It’s narrated very nicely, and even if you don’t believe we landed on The Moon (stop reading this now, and go educate your sorry ass), you should watch that video.

Yea, that is damn impressive.  I think my favorite part is the wall of white light that stays for about 2 minutes.

{PetaPixel | Boing Boing | Viemo}

From My Cold Dead Paws: Cats and the Guns They Love (Paperback)

I don’t know where this book came from, or how it got published, but suffice to say, James Bennett is a genius.  He has taken two of my favorite things, and somehow managed to find a portal to another universe where cats have opposable thumbs, and can not only hold these firearms, but use them.  Use them with deadly force I might add.

Feline Power grows out of the barrel of a gun – Meow Zedong

That is a factual quote that Bennett has been able to dig up from the many archives of world history.  The book itself seems exciting.  I don’t have it myself, but I can see from the pictures that these images are not photoshopped.  I have seen a few shops in my days, and these pictures are pixel perfect.  If you haven’t already bought it, now would be the time, also, my birthday is coming up, and this is an acceptable gift. {Amazon}

The Concept Future of the Past

There’s something about the middle part of the 1900s that was genuinely awesome.  Could it be the fearlessness of the society, pushing the boundaries of what was possible, and what was not, truly making anything possible?  Or the endless imaginations of everyone, especially concept artists?  I think both, but something about concept futures are inherently cool.

Thinking that in 100 years time we will be living in giant mega cities, or in 50 years time we will have vacation homes on the moon, or 25 years time those damn flying cars.  No matter what the dream was, it was possible, and it was only gonna take 10 years, 100 million dollars, and an endless imagination to make possible.

One of the coolest parts of these types of concept designs though is it was all done by hand.  No computer aided graphics, or designing, it was all hand drawn, hand illustrated, and hand made.  No playing with colors to see which looked better, and no quick, we need more of these space cars in another picture.  Everything was unique to their own concept, and that alone sets this stuff different from all the concept work done today.  Plus, all the concept work done today is all faddy, and is not futuristic enough.

Something we rarely see though is the future as imagined through the eyes of Commies.  Yes there is a plethora of fun, interesting, and unique designs for the future from those hidden behind the Iron Curtain.  And suffice to say, they are equally as dreamy, and awesome as the ones our good old fashioned democracy loving American heroes produced, even better to some extent.  The one double edged sword is the controlling of the media.  Who knows how many other awesome, way out there, crazy stuff Commie scientists, and artists made in the heads, showed to their superiors, and then never got heard from again, only for the drawing to be stowed away in Moscow with the brightest Commie scientists working on how to produce the Trans-Oceanic Nuclear Mining self sustaining, Speed Rocket?

Anyway, here are my favorites from that massive list above, I separated them into different sections:

Mega Cities

The future has giant mega cities where people live on water, and in buildings that all look alike.

Of all of the designs, this is one that I can’t understand why we haven’t utilized yet.  (At least if I’m understanding it correctly that is).  Incorporating buildings into the towers of a suspension bridge is an ingenious idea.  It would give structural stability to the bridge, and provide hundreds, if not thousands of new apartments, and offices to be built on land that didn’t exist before.  Plus, each and every room would have an unobstructed view of something grand and unique.

You could even incorporate these multi-level walkways, and trains into the architecture.  I always thought that walkways between buildings a few dozen stories up were cool, more so then flying cars anyway.

And while this looks cool, it looks to uniform at the same time.  Too much sameness.  Not only in the color, but the shape, and size.  Get some more different styled buildings in there, connect them with walkways 100s of feet high, and put them on the side of a bridge, and I will visit, and maybe even live there.

Transportation

Transportation to and from those cities would happen in super fast trains, and super fast boats.

And to make transportation between each of these mega cities possible, you gotta have super fast bullet train monorails.  Although I think this double design is alittle too big.  But it does look like it goes everywhere, which is good, they would have to remake many of the current trail tunnels though, because they are just too small.  And really, if you’re going to design a new transportation system, why confine it to a 300 year old design?

I actually don’t know what the fuck this is, but I liked the artwork with the long meandering highway that the rollerball rolls down.

Then you can jump in a Hydrofoil and jet across the ocean at insane speeds.  Truly though, I would not want to ride in one of those.  All it takes is one whale coming to the surface that you hit at 300 mph and you don’t have one leg anymore, and you start sinking to the bottom of the ocean with the titanic.  Only because you were moving so fast, no one knows your final location, and you are never rescued (because also in this reality, GPS wasn’t invented, and there are still only lifeboats for 70% of the crew)

Space

And last but not least space.  I can honestly say that these space concepts were pretty lacking to me,  Nothing too exciting, most standard fare of streamlined rockets with giant fins, and life on other planets, and moons.

Mining the Moon though, why we haven’t begun that is anyone’s guess.  And don’t just stop on the Moon, go to Asteroids, and comets, and other planets and we could soon have an endless supply of everything.

Then you would collect the resources, from the straight roads that all lead to your Rome, at the center of a crater, and blast off back to Earth, or even Mars, but something is weird about that base, it’s so small, and we have an idea of scale at least in this picture, so where does everyone live?

Why underground of course!  After they mine out all the good stuff, they build self contained pods with solar powered lights and stuff in their place.  That would be a viable place to live as the surface of the Moon, or Mars for that matter would fluctuate too much in temperature, and you wouldn’t want to live there too long.

This snow globe thing wins for just sheer weirdness though.  What is it, and why is there one giant tree inside it.  Is it the oxygen producer for the building in the background?  That’s an interesting idea, except you’d need more then one tree, unless, since there’s no scale here, that is a super gigantic tree of colossal proportions.  It could be.  Or it could be something else, but regardless, its weird, and cool at the same time.

The Alternate Cold War

Today is Adolf Hitler’s 121st birthday, and what better way to celebrate then by having a bonfire?!  What are we burning, don’t ask, you don’t wanna be implicated, its better that way.

Anyway, another way to celebrate, how about continuing the alternate reality of Pearl Harbor? Yes, I think that’s fitting, we will explore what could have happened had The Nazi’s won World War II.  Anyway here we go, onto the future!

When we last saw our heroes they were demoralized.  The greater part of Europe was in ruins, and as far as the Eye could see, Hitler could control.  Unlike Napoleon before him, Hitler had conquered the mighty Russian Bear, and now is the most powerful man in the world.

With the destruction of Moscow via an atomic bomb, the country unconditionally surrendered to the Nazis.  Seeing the destruction the bomb caused, the remaining Allies formed a truce with the Axis powers, less Japan.

The world was painted to look like this:

Nazi Germany controlling the better part of the globe, with their power reaching 2 oceans, and thousands of miles.  America is takes on the role of The Soviet Union at the end,  They get Japan, and pretty much get to do what they want with it.  America and Nazi Germany are the new world powers, and the population looks on with great interest at what will happen next.

The year is 1953.  It’s been 8 years since WWII ended, The United States is now comprised of 61 states, including conquered Japan (adding 4 states), and various islands across the Pacific, and Cuba.  The Nazi’s have changed the name of most of Europe, removing nations, and combining them all together into Nazi Germany.  All other nations of the world hold their breath as they watch as two powers of different ideals have a stand off.

The Space Race

In 1955 the Nazi’s launch the first artificial satellite, Trabant.  Aided by their massively successful V2 rocket program of the war, the Nazi’s are able to gain a significant advantage over the Americans.  Because the Americans didn’t win the war, they weren’t able to steal any Nazi scientists for themselves when it ended, and therefore they are significantly behind in their rocket research.  It’s not until 1960 when the United States enters space.  By this time, the Nazi’s have already orbited multiple humans, and have multiple semi permanent satellites in orbit.

The United States however doesn’t really mind.  They may have different ideals compared to the Nazis, and as long as Hitler stays in Europe, then they don’t really care.  We start a space program though.  Not because we’re afraid of the Nazi’s, but because we want to conquer space.  As a nation, we fully back our space agency, eventually leading to a Moon mission, many years in the future.

The Arms Race

The global arms race hasn’t changed much, and the Germans use their V2 rocket research to attach bombs to.  In fact, that was their plan from the very beginning, attach an atomic bomb to V2s, and rain down deadly destructive damage from the sky.  It’s not very successful at first, but within 5 years they are able to deliver a nuclear payload to any target in the Europe, Asia, Africa part of the globe.  Too bad they control over 60% of that territory.

The US on the other hand just uses its vast resources to build bigger and badder bombers, eventually making an 8 turbo jet design that can circle the globe and deliver nuclear or conventional bombs to any target.

Naval warfare is at a stalemate.  The US has the superior fleet, but the Nazi’s have a superior submarine force effectively keeping the American’s at bay in the Atlantic.  However, America, lacking bases in Europe builds massive Aircraft carriers, capable of launching, and landing 4 engine bombers.  They are the king of the waters, giving them an effective range of half a hemisphere.

Because of the lack of European bases, the remaining allies build up Africa.  The Africa we know today is very different from the one that exists in this reality.  Developed, civil, popular, and safe.  Africa has become the central part of the world.  Attracting businesses for the mining available, and tourists for the country side.  Remaining largely neutral in the whole global political scene, Africa thrives on the businesses there and becomes a home-place for all of the displaced peoples of the war.

The World Itself

The Nazis having never been accused of war crimes due to winning the war outright, quickly begin to work on their world image, soon becoming the hope of generations.  (Mostly due to the propaganda of the Nazi party, which is still working in force.)  However the overall feel of the world is peaceful.  How long will this last is anyone’s guess, because in 30 years time something extraordinary is going to happen.

Rocket Car Race

Not moon sized rockets, model rockets.  And I must say model rocket cars are much more fun to watch compared to moon sized rocket ones.  I must say it’s hilarious!  Of all the cars in the video that were launched, I think i counted 3 that actually drove.  There may have been more, it was hard to see with all the smoke.

It’s a national event down under. And seriously, with this advice:

And just a reminder: try to test your cars so you know they’re not
dangerous and are awesome.

If you can’t we’ll just guess on the day. Too light, won’t race.

Bring beer and umbrellas and snacks.

It is required to be good.  The cars though, they aren’t exactly what you would call, safe.  In the video above you can see someone got hurt, and just the way that the cars drive, they aren’t exactly safe, especially since there are people lining all sides of the track, just watching, and laughing along with everyone.  It seems like a pretty laid back kind of group though, cause there’s lots of laughing going on, and it’s not laughing at people, its laughing with them.

Also, I can totally see a group of engineers joining this and totally ruining it for everyone by making a car that’s perfect, which takes all the fun out of this event.  {MAKE}

Star Wars Episode 4.3: the Custom Version

Star Wars Uncut “The Escape” from Casey Pugh on Vimeo.

472 people worked separately together to make this clip from Star Wars.  It’s part of the Star Wars: Uncut project.  The above video is a trailer for the ultimate goal of the project; recreate the entirety of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.  It was masterfully cut together by Casey Pugh.  I watched some of the clips available on the site, and there’s a vast array of skill sets on the table.  I like the LEGO ones, but those quickly get old, and blocky after you’ve seen 3 or 5 of them.  There was a really cool one using Toy Story characters.

I would not watch all of the clips on the site as is, because there’s no cohesion, and you have to keep clicking out and in, and left and right.  Wait until someone edits everything together, which will take along time, but hey, I think it will totally be worth it.

{MAKE}

Weaved Telephone Baskets

Weaved baskets are pretty nice.  The all natural ones are very burnable, something these all plastic ones lack. (Which is either good or bad depending on you’re view)  They are called Zulu Telephone Wire Baskets and made in South Africa.  For the most part, they are made from the wire from downed telephone poles.  Injured workers from the mines and oil fields of South Africa are taught how to weave them.

It’s pretty neat stuff, with some pretty insane designs that must take ages to master.  They start weaving it from the top, and end at the bottom center.

Turning the mess of plastic wires into a beautiful work of art you can buy and 75% of the money goes straight to the one who weaved it.